I have a serious confidence problem (which i’m working on). I think that’s why I don’t gravitate towards girls for friendships.

So when I get put into a situation where there’s a new female in the bunch and she has or could possibly have the one up on me, no matter how big or small, I automatically get down on myself and don't feel good enough. And boy! once that ball starts rolling then it’s just confidence lost. I think that's the damage of my past, often being replaced by friends and also guys. —Don’t get me wrong I am very much at peace with my past and have used it to make me better not bitter. But those experiences also shaped me and as much as I have allowed to shape me positively, their negative effects will also creep in at times. that’s only natural to happen.

For example, I wasn’t really ever the best friend of my best friends, they always had someone they were closer with. And with guys, I wasn’t ever THE girl. There was always someone else. So i just don't know how to feel equal to another girl unless we’re the same kind of person off the bat. That’s why I’m not friends with a lot of girls. And the ones that I am friends with are usually on a similar wavelength as me.

we all have that thing about us that we use in our favor to carry just some amount of confidence.

I’ve realized that im only confident around new females when I feel that I have some sort of one up around them. and maybe that’s what everyones stem to confidence is, i don’t know. Like, whether it’s that i know the people that we’re around more, or i find myself to be more attractive (shallow i know, don’t judge me you know what i mean), or im funnier, i’m more of the guys type, more active, etc., just something. and it’s weird for me because i really am comfortable and confident with who i am. I embrace myself always and i don’t even want to be different from who i am.

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for me, this is an area that needs growth. confidence doesn’t have to be a competition. i don’t like that i sometimes think the way i do above and i most definitely wouldn’t ever want to make someone feel less than who they are because of my own insecurities (and i promise you that i don’t).

i am sharing this with you because we all have ridiculous thoughts that go through our head. some that we get mad at ourselves for even thinking because we know how irrational they are. but they happen. and so it’s our job to be self aware. dive into these thoughts and get to the root of them. figure out what they’re a reflection of before they become a reflection of you.