These past seven days have felt more like thirty. Anxiety viciously attacks your body and mind.

Getting out of bed in the morning is not just a chore but a fear. Waking up with a pit in your stomach which then becomes your bones shaking inside of you like leaves in a windstorm. Wanting something to just eject you from your bed to get the day started but having nothing that could motivate you. Not even the idea of your favorite breakfast because you hold excitement for nothing.

You don’t want to be alone because being alone is lonely and also scary. You fear yourself. Every minute feels like an hour. Thinking about how you’re going to conquer the day is terrifying so you try to break it down into pieces. That helps. Sort of. But you feel weak in every muscle that you move. Your mind fatigues from something as simple as responding to a text message or reading an email.

You wonder if anyone will recognize how you're feeling and will check in on you or if you will have to bravely open up about it yourself. Putting it into words isn’t so hard because you’re so vulnerable that you just word vomit everything you’re feeling. However, feeling understood after you speak up, is the hard part. Fearing that whoever you confide in or become vulnerable to will say the wrong thing and make you feel worse. You’re torn.

You want to stay in bed and force yourself to sleep just to blindly pass the time but also know that will solve nothing in the long term. Fearing the wormhole it could take you into. Not knowing the limit for yourself. Exercise and movement is said to help, but is there a chance that something could be too strenuous on your mind and body when you’re like this? Maybe a day of sleep is what you really need.

Sleepy time tea becomes your new morning coffee. It’s the only drink that can relax you to a point of feeling somewhat okay to do something productive. You want to call your parents but you don’t want them to worry. But you also make yourself more anxious over the fact that they don’t know what’s happening and you’re faking a brave face everytime that you connect. What is being strong and fighting it on your own and what is forcing you into a darker place?

You spend time with friends in hopes that distractions and talking about random bullsh-t will ease your mind. And it does. A bit. But it’s still not enough. You still carry your worrisome thoughts in the center of your head and they're just waiting to erupt like a volcano the second that you’re alone again. You can’t even think about that moment. The one when you’ll be back in your room before bed. Not knowing if you’ll be so exhausted from the anxious day you’ve had and pass out or if your anxiety will catch its second wind. Good thing you can just have another cup of sleepy time tea.

Bed time however, is the best time. The one thing that you do in fact look forward to. Because, it’s your escape. You get to ignore your fears and worries and fill up your mind with dreams. The worst part about bed is thinking about the morning. Having to do it all over again and only knowing that it’ll be a day of unknowing. You kind of feel like Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates, you go through the day but tomorrow you will wake up as if all of your little emotional success didn’t happen. It’s a new slate. And you fight it again.

anxiety has been present for my entire life and i was always able to manage it on my own. However, this past month that all changed. I’ve been fighting paralyzing anxiety that has essentially altered who i am. My eating habits are different. My safe spaces have changed. My desire for attention (and trust me that’s usually high) has minimized. And my motivation for most things is more out the window than it was during most of quarantine.

but, I wrote this here for anyone else who is experiencing similar. Talk to someone. Tell your family how you’re feeling. Tell your friends. Tell your doctor. There is nothing wrong with you. My doctor told me that anxiety is one of the most terrifying things that a human being can experience. His validation that it’s okay to be scared made me feel better. He also assured me that i don’t need to live with it forever. And neither do you. So take that step that will bring you back to your happiest self. There will be discomforts along the way and unfortunate changes that you’ll have to make in your current lifestyle but all of it will be worth it when you begin to feel good again.