Can I just vent for a second? I try to write in a tone that doesn’t say so much “me me me” but I just need a moment to be raw and real with you. And If you can relate then great. the purpose of this vent is to let you know that what we put out on social media doesn’t always have to be about the great things happening in our lives. I really enjoy sharing the not so great moments too. It’s the libra in me to keep balance. So here it goes.

I’m currently sitting outside under the canopy of the clubhouse at my dad's development in Myrtle beach. It’s nice. It’s on the intercoastal. I came here to get some air. It started pouring rain the moment I got off my bike after the ride here. Although, It’s quite fitting to right now while I feel lost and uncertain of who I am. I’m missing my job. Questioning my career choices. I’m at the point of considering giving up my dreams and molding into society's standards of a “good career” just to be financially stable at this time. I don’t feel like I could reach the standards of any other career paths which is a bit stressing though. I feel a bit undesired all around. I don’t look at myself the same anymore. I feel less than who i ever was before.

I know that none who I feel like in this moment is who I am. I know that i carry more worth and have bigger things ahead of me but it’s hard to recognize right now. 

Here’s some insight to where this is all stemming from:

In August I gave up my comfortable living situation in San Francisco to move to Hawaii and have an adventure. An adventure that I anticipated would give my mind Opportunity to expand in a new way, generate more thoughts and give me some excitement. Last minute, things changed and Hawaii got pushed back a month. That brought me here to Myrtle beach for a couple of weeks. After this is San Diego and after San Diego was supposed to be Hawaii for six months. The morning that we were about to sign our lease I got the text “We’re opening at the end of the month! When can you be back in SF?” ..My job told me that we’re opening up seven months earlier than expected. Wow. What a mix of emotions. I felt like a thirsty, needy, whipped girlfriend with the way that I jumped and said “I can be back October first!”, as if Hawaii didn’t even exist. I mean, I was happy. It led me to think that I would finally have a sense of self back. Like it was going to be a path back towards who I was/am/want to be. I was going to have stability back and my happy place too. So, Hawaii was abruptly cancelled for me. Although, I’m not really sure why because it seems as if that text was a bit of false hope. So now here I am, lost. Unsure of what my next move is. Uncertain of who the f—k i am.

This is very much first world problems i know. And i know that life can be worse than this. I’m not looking for a “poor her” thought because I’m not even giving myself that. I’m not upset about the actual things. Like yea it’s all a big bummer but what I’m more focused on is how it’s effecting my mind.

We have lived our entire lives making decisions that Heavily consider how they will construct our future with only moderately considering our present (The present feels temporary while the future feels permanent). This is the first time that we have to make decisions soley based on the present because the future is a blank canvas that we can’t even put a painT brush to with how much uncertainty there is around us right now. I don’t know about you but I feel no sense of control. I mean maybe the idea of having control was just an illusion and now we’re coming to realize that we actually have zero control. Or maybe we just have too much control in this moment with all of the freedom we get with work from home or unemployment and just don’t know how to handle it.

Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? You get on with confidence, preparing all of the muscles in your body to stay on the bull. You might strategize in your head after watching the people Who went before you. You’re preparing for the moment that it ends and you get yourself hype over the idea of staying on the entire time. You hop on and find the seat. When it starts you adjust yourself a bit to stay comfortable. You’re doing well the first minute or two and then all of the sudden you feel a little slip but you’re not gonna let it mess you up. You re-strategize quick in your head. you don’t give up just yet. But then out of nowhere the bull starts speeding up and you get a bit unsure if you actually know what to do to stay on. You realize that you needed to think more about the present moment of being on the bull rather than the glorified moment that came with making it to the end. So, you just squeeze your thighs and hands as tight as possible and hope for the best. When you fall off you have the initial moment of “damn” because for some reason you thought you were invincible and maybe you’d beat the bar record or some shit. But then you laugh, stand up and wobble your way off the bounce house floor of the ring as if your wearing moon shoes. This all feels like that.

F—k this pandemic man. It’s brought some great things, yes. But it’s also brought me to some new lows and confusion. I understand that this is a tough time for everyone and what I’m feeling is valid but I don't want that to be the only response anymore. I want to pick my f—king feet up when I walk and get somewhere already. I want a stable living situation back. I want to be financially comfortable again. I want to feel f—king good about myself again and remind myself of who I am. And yea, I could just get on the ball and do it but we all know it takes more than that. Sometimes we need to throw a little pity party for ourselves to remind us that we’re better than just wanting and we are capable of also doing. 

I’m afraid of having another anxiety attack. I get anxiety over the thought of anxiety. Goodness. Imagine that. Being creative is one of the few things that settles it. Yet, it’s hard for me to be creative in an unstable living situation. I think that’s a result of my OCD. I can barely get my thoughts out when I write. It feels a bit forced lately which is sad for me because writing is something that has always cured me. I still do it though and it helps as much as it can.

Lately, I find myself zoning out and wasting time on things that make me feel productive and useful but don’t really add up to anything in actuality. I won’t be surprised if that's a common trend for some of you too.

It’s crazy to me how every state is living in a different world right now. Some states are living as if a pandemic never hit. Here in Myrtle Beach it’s actually okay to walk into some stores without a mask on. ??????? Meanwhile in San Francisco some people won’t even let you walk down the street (ALONE) without making a snarky remark about putting on a mask. In some states everyone is back to work while others are still trying to survive off of unemployment. All of this has me feeling like I’m just falling behind the curve and again, questioning my worth and my purpose.

I should get back into meditating. Maybe do yoga more often. Finding some mental clarity seems like the first step that needs to be taken.

I want to come out of this better than I came into it. I don’t want to fall weak to the stress and pressure that I put on myself. Everyday is a different wave of “this is great” and “what the f—k”. There really isn’t much of a middle ground anymore. 

...

I want to go back home because i'm hungry but it’s still raining and my ipad is not waterproof lol. F—k. I wonder how my bike is doing out front. 

...Positive change to come.