Sasha Sloan- Too Sad to cry

When I first came across this track I was at a different stage in my life. I related to it very minimally but I understood the emotions she was singing about. Or, at least I thought. Back in March when I experienced new depths of my anxiety everything changed for me. It was no longer patchy moments of worry that could be controlled by changing my environment or with a brief meditation. I was out of all control over my mind, my thoughts and my emotions. I was experiencing true anxiety and depression.

Listening to this song at that moment in time helped me feel less alone. It explained the things that I couldn’t. the specific lyrics, “can’t tell my mamma, it makes her worry. I’m not suicidal but sometimes the lines get all blurry,” resonated with me most. When I take myself back to that time, the two things that specifically stand out in my memory is the fear of my parents not knowing what was going on with me but also being hesitant to telling them. I didn’t want the weight of them worrying about me from such a distance (I was in San Francisco and they were in New York) but In the same breath It hurt me to talk to them at all and pretend that everything was well. In no way did I want to end my life however, i feared myself blacking out and it just happening -if you ever saw the movie Bird box, that’s what i thought would happen-. I felt truly ill- something I hadn’t ever experienced. and, Within one week of trying to fight it on my own I was on a plane to New york to be with my family where i knew i would feel most safe. unfortunately that wasn’t the magic pill to make it all go away.

All i wanted was a therapist to validate my pain and tell me things will be okay but finding someone available to talk to was an obstacle in itself. when it got to the point of me not being able to leave my house without having an attack i decided to see my doctor because i just needed s o m e o n e who could give me a professional opinion on this.

“lied to my doctor, she knew I was faking. Gave me some pills but i’m too scared to take ‘em.” - these lyrics here also stuck with me because as I’ve talked about in the past, i wasn’t someone to ever look towards medication for my anxiety. I didn’t want to become reliant on it and feel controlled by a small white pill. However, my doctor explained to me that what was going on wasn’t just in my mind, but it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to lack serotonin therefore, medication was necessary to get me back on my feet. this information right here might seem too personal to be sharing but I’m sharing it because i know that i’m not the only one who experiences this. medication comes with a lot of stigmas and it’s time to end them. medication is not to be abused but if recommended by a doctor to be what your body truly needs to be healthy then it’s what your body needs, you know?

anxiety and depression is scary. hec, terrifying if you may. you get taken into dark places with no warning and with no emergency stop button. all you have is yourself but you are also who you’re most afraid of. and, when life is good around you and you have nothing to “blame” this pain on you go into an even bigger spiral. you question your worth to others, your purpose, the meaning of life… all of it. it’s not an easy battle but i promise you that it’s one worth fighting. this song may be sad but it’s one that gets me through my tougher days because it reminds me that i’m understood and that i’m not alone. there are ways to heal and there is proof that healing is possible. stay strong<3.

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