No matter what you’re doing this time next year, you won’t be in the exact same position that you’re in right now and that’s the craziest part.

Life tends to get repetitive for people. That’s what makes it fly and also what allows people to get comfortable. (and in my opinion, bored)

I don’t want my life to be like that. I’ve always said it and will continue to. So, here i am trying to steer clear of that.

By no means is it easy and by no means did i expect it to be. although, I definitely have the better half of situations when you think of all that could go wrong when moving across the country on your own. But even when being in the best of the best situations, you’re going to have growing pains when putting yourself through a major change. I’m feeling those pains right now. living in the same place my entire life, I have adapted to having so many people available to fill the empty gaps. I didn’t become aware of it until recently when I began to feel the loneliness that comes with moving away from all and who you’ve ever known. Technology makes keeping in touch simpler but doesn’t hold onto the energy of connecting with someone the way that a real in person experience does. I thrive off of the energy of others. My Pattern (a horoscope app lol) tells me that I tend to struggle with finding myself in other people. as much as I WOULD LOVE to say it’s an app feeding me bullshit, I am discovering that it isn’t wrong.

I look for validation through others. Growing up being bullied for who I was, has molded me to be a people pleaser. If I fulfill your needs then you’ll keep me around and from there I’ll just adapt. Over time I have created my own morals to live by so as much as I molded to others, I had a solid base of what was just me. That kept me from acting out in ways that I didn’t agree with and guided me to keeping the right people in my life. This way of doing things worked great for me until I brought myself to a new place with new people and had to start from scratch. It has me questioning who the hell am I really?? I know my likes and dislikes. I know what drives me and what interests me. I know the morals that I want to live by. But how do I compose all of those together to create me? I need to be activated by others. or i now should say, needed.

It’s time for me to learn how to activate myself on my own. The people I surround myself with just have to be the enhancers. Not visa versa. 

thoughts?