“Because when you know...

You just know” *Eye Roll*

What a cop-out of an answer. What is it that “you just know” but you just can’t explain to me further? 

It never made sense. I had been in relationships and situationships where I thought I was experiencing real and unconditional love; Which… maybe in some forms I was but, there was always something missing. I couldn’t ever pinpoint what it was but in hindsight, I should’ve known the truth was in my subconscious actions.

In previous relationships, (you know.. the serious and the not-serious kind…)

I didn’t change.

I didn’t think that I needed to be better than who I was

(and I mean that in the least self-righteous way.I just believed that I had grown into the peak of who I was capable of becoming).

so, I didn’t care to be better than who I was.

don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a “bad” person in my relationships. I was always the best version of who I was at that time and gave [what I thought was] my full devotion to whoever the guy was. But, ultimately, in those moments my growth depended on my wanting to be better for me, and not for them.

Well, I’m learning that real and unconditional love includes wanting to better yourself for said person alongside wanting to do it for yourself. (and that independence can still exist).

This new love of mine is different. And maybe you can relate.

My growth is still dependent on me doing the work, however, inspiration to grow stems from not just myself anymore, but my significant other as well. His heart and intentions are some of the purest I have encountered in this lifetime. He doesn’t make it only my job to make myself feel valuable. Instead, he makes sure to remind me every day with some sort of simple and genuine gesture. Our equivalent level of respect for one another leaves no gap for a wandering mind - Our focus is solely on each other, ourselves, and us as a unit. That’s how it started and that’s how it’s still going.

My taste in music has shifted. As much as I still LOVE a numbing heartbreak ballad (Jessie Reyez sings to my heart), I don’t connect to them like I used to. I find myself listening to songs about having a person, how they balance you out, and all of the other corny cliches because I now understand why they are cliches. Sometimes, I don’t even listen to music because my mind isn’t living in sad girl city anymore - and, for reference, that’s the storyline of music that got me into using it as therapy growing up (Shoutout aol kids music for introducing me to Taylor swift at 11 years old).

I’m taking care of myself a little extra. I’m learning how to love myself through my boyfriend's eyes because he deserves someone who loves themselves the way that he loves. I don’t want him to see me as any less beautiful (mentally and physically) than he did when we first met. I go the extra mile for my mental health. I spend time with myself to knead out the insecure thought processes that I developed from previous relationships (and relationships that I grew up watching). I take better care of my skin - I have a routine for every morning and night for the first time in my life. I work harder in the gym to be healthier and feel better about myself (and of course to be some eye candy for him haha). He as a person and the man that he is for me contributes to my healing process as a human being in all aspects of life.

If he needs a hand to get something done, I’m helping. Individually, we aren't the best at asking for help. But, when it comes to each other, we are a team. If one of us asks a favor, we aren't lazy about getting it done. Maybe we’ll slack on personal stuff now and then, but it doesn’t last because his success is my success, and my success is his success - big or small.

I protect this relationship differently. Anyone who tries to disrupt my peace with my person gets the boot and that’s because I know and I trust that the same is reciprocated on his end.  

you know the individuals in your life that you’d allow to stick around for the daydream? It wasn’t ever anything serious enough to not be cool with each other but you’re also not necessarily friends? Maybe you both would “like” an Instagram story now and then as your way of saying “Hey, hope all is well” without actually having to say it. Anyways, in this love, I no longer feel like I should leave a door cracked open as an emotional shield. Those people don’t matter anymore. 

The thing about it all is that the effort of being the person I am with him leads me to feel better about myself and, therefore, it feels effortless.

When people tell you “it shouldn't be hard” they aren’t saying that you should be able to kick your feet up and cruise to the beat of each other’s drums. What they mean is that although you will go through growing pains and have to overcome obstacles (some less challenging than others), doing it together, and because it’s what truly makes you feel good, will minimize the mental distress that comes with those changes, therefore, effortless. 

So yeah, “When you know, you know.”

That moment just clicks when you realize how better off you have become as an individual as well as a partner since being with said person.