There’s something about healing that fabricates the idea that you’re more damaged than you thought to be. It’s like back in grade school when you would sit down to study for an exam only to become more stressed because you realized how much you actually didn’t know and needed to learn.
I’m learning that dipping your toes into healthy relationships involves a lot of introspection.
Who am I as an individual?
How do I grow up but also stay myself?
What do I need from said person?
Do I need them to be reliable?
Do I need more people in my life that I don’t get social anxiety around?
Why am I socially anxious around some people but not others?
On a romantic level:
Who do I want to be with this person?
Before I commit to a lifetime, who do I need this person to be for me?
Am I what they need for themselves?
What do my goals look like in the world that we share?
What does validation look like to me?
What does validation look like to them?
Can I give them that?
In turn, lack of vulnerability has become a deal breaker.
Because, to me, without being vulnerable we can’t communicate properly and how can we connect as human beings if we’re not even talking about the things that give us our identity?
During the peaks of this growing phase, I’ll think I have tackled the thoughts that hinder my confidence in myself, my friendships, and my relationship. But, when I’m in the valleys of it I question my worth and physical beauty.
However, these moments of not liking anything about myself leave me no choice but to climb back up to a new peak; one with a stronger foundation. Being one with your personal growth is a rollercoaster, to say the least. I’m actually in a rough patch as I write this. Ergo the title being “healing,” i guess. It probably would’ve been titled “healed” if I was already there.
Anyways,
Feeling valuable to someone led me to realize how invaluable I had allowed myself to feel in the past.
It’s interesting how one person can create a domino effect over how our life unravels and who we become.
But, I still often anticipate the other shoe dropping at any moment. I’m trying to do a better job at just letting things be good but I’m still practicing mindfulness.
Being in a nourishing relationship (quite literally. He is also the cook for the two of us), I realize that for so many years I’ve allowed myself to be truly disconnected from the people I thought to be “closest” with because of walls built by trauma. For example, I’m absolutely guilty of writing the narrative before it could write itself. Not only that. I would sway the outcome towards an inevitable downfall because I assumed it would happen anyway and at least if I could predict it, it would hurt less. Basically, Instead of giving people the chance to unravel their true selves to me, I created their character and plot line for them. It was easier. And, although I realize this now, it was involuntary at the time it was happening. ( I genuinely just thought I was psychic or super intuitive or whatever)
In this new headspace, I’m allowing myself to feel love. I am trusting people again. And, by that, I mean that I am accepting their kindness rather than assuming it’s a false gesture because they feel bad for me or something.
Although the romantic love in my life instigated this shift in my headspace, this is a growing phase in all my relationships from coworkers to friends, to family.
My mind runs. That’s no secret. I am a quick thinker and an overthinker at the same time. But, I’m learning to slow it down and to let things just play out before I try to control scenarios. Anyways - I jump to conclusions. And I'm working on not doing that so I can enjoy the good things for what they are.
What about you?